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| Careing for your parents; How independent do you let them be? | |
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| Topic Started: Feb 9 2010, 12:10 AM (91 Views) | |
| Cobb | Feb 9 2010, 12:10 AM Post #1 |
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If you may of noticed I am here more often then I use to be. I normally spend my weekend Fri-Sun at there place taking them out to go to appointments, shopping, etc. Anyway, my dad hates to travel any more and rather be at home. My mother ends up doing all the shopping. I drive her to the places, we go in and I load/unload her walker help her in and out of the car as well as reach for items and push the cart. Up until recently we have had no problems. Our driveway was washed out and she called a local hardware store that would let us dig up some rocks a bucket for a few bucks. She had gathered all the trashcans and buckets to fill with rocks. She wanted to walk on leaving room for the buckets, I wanted her to talk her walker, so she had something to sit on and watch me shovel. She took her walker and slipped on the porch. She started screaming immediately for help. I went to help her up, but almost slid into her as the porch was slick on the wheelchair ramp area. I couldnt get a grip and hanging onto the rail whipped out my cell phone and called my brother for help. She wanted to get up but I advised her against it incase she had infact broke anything. She insisted on getting picked up and I managed to get in front of her, brother behind and picked her up. She then wanted to go to the hospital. I walked her to my car and took her with all her stuff. She had nothing but pain over the slightest bump and said she soiled herself. I thought for sure when she said that she had spinal cord damage. She started having problems breathing, so I pulled over at the local rescue station for help. That was more excitement that I wanted to deal with and til then first accident we have had. Long story short her fused neck and back were fine, no cracks or anything, nothing borken, just soft tissue and muscle damage. They said when you get to be 70+ years old it can take months torecover vs a few days like you or I when we fall. I cant help but feel partly to blame and now worry if this had of been worse if I would of been labeled with kill mommy or my wife, etc to the other family members as she spends a lot of hours with me and miles. So far everything is at her will, including 2 trps to the local pick n pull junkyard. Other times when she cant, I lock her in the car with the motor on for heat or air depending on the season and do what she wants. Last scrare was when she was eating chocolate covered rasins. I had locked her in the car as she was too tired to go into another store. I went and came out and she was pointing to her cooler and couldnt speak. I got her drink out and she took some sips n said she almost choked to death on the candy. Ive told her to not be afraid to lay on the horn to get attention if needed and Id felt aweful bad she died in my car at a food lion store on candy. I told her I try to think ahead before I do anythibng. I said I am sure you would be equality upset if you found me dead in your bedroom with a belt around my neck and hand around my guy part.  So the past few weeks I have had a break because of the on going weather in VA. I am just wondering if I should do anytihing differently now. I asked my brother and father, they said to keep doing what she says and what I think is in her best interest. Thanks for any advice and reading. |
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| Alpine | Feb 9 2010, 12:19 AM Post #2 |
Offcial METRO owner
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do what you think is in her best interest. she may think she is super woman and very well may have been one day. but you have the right to take care of the one you love |
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| rmcelwee | Feb 9 2010, 12:34 AM Post #3 |
 
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That is a judgment call that only you can make. For me, I am going to let mine be as independent as they want to be as long as it is safe. The minute it because a safety issue I will get court papers saying that I am now taking care of them. They might bitch and moan but then I won't be worried that they are going to hurt themselves. FWIW, my grandparents are 95 and 85 years old. They live WAY OUT in the country (30 minutes from the nearest town - 5 minutes from the nearest neighbor) in WV. They are tough old people but I am always worried about them. They will not, no way no how, move out of that house so we just do the best for them that we can. They just spent 10 days without phone or power, got it back for a couple of weeks and lost it again a few days ago. This means no water, no toilet, no lights, no fridge. They have gas heat. |
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| Bad Bent | Feb 9 2010, 02:28 AM Post #4 |
Facetious Educated Donkey
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 SMy only suggestion would be to lay down some sandpaper non slip tape (www.handiramp.com) or horizontal 1/8" strips of wood, outdoor carpet strip or something for better grip on that ramp and porch. Maybe combine tape - strip - tape - strip. |
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| billy508 | Feb 9 2010, 05:31 AM Post #5 |
billy508
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1 Do the best you can. You have a almost impossible job to do. Many times you are going to wake up thinking "Did I do the right thing?" You can drive your self into depression and worse if try to 2nd guess your everymove. 2 Safety proof your house. Steps ,cord, make hand rails and watch for tripping points Ask others to help you look over the house. Do not despair some times even simple things get very very complex. 3 Be looking for a Female to assist you . There are going to be certain hygiene issues that you can not do. 4 What is the chance of using emergency services? Look into it now as you may need them one day. If you have not already Pick a hospital and get to know their procedures. It is a pleasure and a honor to know someone like you.  You are looking at your duties rather than shirking them as many do. I faced the same problem with both my parents. Take care of yourself as it is easy to get involved and forget to live a healthy life style.
Edited by billy508, Feb 9 2010, 05:41 AM.
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| Cobb | Feb 9 2010, 10:51 AM Post #6 |
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Thanks.  Yeah, we want to coat the porch in Ferox or those strips, however she doesnt want those for fear she will stub her toe and get road rash if she falls on them. 
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| 90metro | Feb 9 2010, 12:24 PM Post #7 |
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Life is funny. When we're babies our parents sacrificed everything to take care of us. Back then we were the ones always falling, breaking our arms, and needing trips to urgent care. Our parents agonized and prayed over us night and day for our safety. Now we're older and everything turns upside down. Our parents are the ones who need us now. They fall, they break hips, and they get upset that they can't take care of themselves. They want to, but they just can't. My mother passed away 8 years ago and was sick for the final 9 years of her life. My father was her sole care provider during that time. My dad is awesome.....a Korean War veteran, a former professional baseball player, and a man who sacrificed everything for his family. He just recently had back surgery and was diagnosed with Parkinson's, but he's got a good outlook about life. Nobody ever thinks to sit down with their parents to discuss how to take care of them when they're relatively healthy. It always seems to catch up to us when they eventually need help. Having that talk sooner than later can help. For example, my dad doesn't want to be a burden on the family and would rather live in a nursing home than put us out, but I won't let that happen on my watch. I would rather mortgage my home and sell my possessions to provide him 24/7 nursing care than to let him spend his final days in a nursing home. I'm sorry your mother's situation has progressed to this point. I know you love her very much. I am certain God will reward you for your compassionate care. |
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| bogs | Feb 9 2010, 12:29 PM Post #8 |
Duct tape heals all wounds
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Old saying "2 parents can take care of 8 children, but 8 children together cannot take care of 2 parents later in life". I also am in that position, my wifes' father passed away and both of my parents are at the point where things come less easily for them. I only hope I will be able to address the needs they come up with as well as they did for me coming up. Good luck. |
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| Cobb | Feb 9 2010, 11:51 PM Post #9 |
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Well... I think thats how I really got my sight back. I asked god or more importantly a few of his angels for help to get my license as they have problems driving around. My dad would not let me move back home, so buying their home was out of the question as to why I bought something. I try to think ahead and long term, however my dad doesnt agree. My dad has the life of a cat between naps and meals. My mother really runs things, so I help her the most. |
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| Mr Murf 59 | Feb 13 2010, 01:23 AM Post #10 |
Looking like a lost Irish tourist
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Its not just parents that may need help. Siblings go threw this too. And one that was only just barley older than me. I wish I had magic words of wisdom for you. If you let them wait till they are ready to go to a home. It may be to late. It you make the decision for them and put them in a home. They will resent you for it. There is no easy path caring for someone you love. I had to do the hygene thing for my older brother. I could see the pain in his face. He did not like being touched. It just was not done in our family. So when the time came. And the nurse went to "help him" I ran here off and did it myself. It was not that bad. And I would do it many times again, if I could only spend more time with him. I could not see someone taking care of him in that way. And I think it made the passing easier for him, having someone close to him helping. A stanger would have hurts his pride. And unsettled his soul just before his passing. Sorry I can see what I am trying to say, just can't type it. sorry. Stand tall brother. |
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