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Schultz' New Adventure; Help! they cut me open
Topic Started: Aug 23 2010, 05:27 PM (14,883 Views)
metroschultz
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Please just call me; "Schultz"

Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?
I stuttered as a kid, and still sometimes as an old guy.
Which leads me to the stuttering joke.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The Reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the Reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday which they did.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the Reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?" Proudly handing the Reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The Reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman, the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."

The Reverend responded, "Splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the Reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the Reverend a large envelope. The Pastor opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the Reverend exclaimed. "Louie, this 3200 dollars! Are you saying that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We're professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the Reverend agreed.

"I think you'd better tell how you managed this, Louie." Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you? :lol
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Car Nut
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Good one! Congrats on "beating the dog" & on the weight numbers.
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Murf 59
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Go Schultz. Next is a chili cheese dog from Derweinnerschnitzel. I really miss that about living in a big city.
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metroschultz
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Please just call me; "Schultz"

I believe next weekend will be ;
"Chili Cheese Fries"
I have mastered,
Cheese.
I feel pretty good about,
Fries.
I have trouble with,
beef.
We'll see what transpires.
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metroschultz
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Please just call me; "Schultz"

Hot dog went so well,
Had one for dinner.
Hot Dog - 0
Schultz - 2
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Coche Blanco
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Troll Certified

What do you eat on your hotdogs?
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metroschultz
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Please just call me; "Schultz"

Muthtard
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Potter
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Col. Potter

MMMHMMM i like Mustard on my Biscuts, matter of fact had em right before they sent me to the nervous hospital for killin Doyal Hardgraves with a Lawn mower blade... give him two good whacks the second one bout split his head in two

ok its funnier if i do it in person.

lol Good job beating the hot dog... was this with bun or not (i know you have a bad battle against the bread types)
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metroschultz
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Please just call me; "Schultz"

No bun dude.
and I was looking for a Sling Blade sound bite to put there.
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Car Nut
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Hey Schultz,
What's the scale say today? Congrats on wuppin' the dogs.
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metroschultz
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Please just call me; "Schultz"

224# yesterday a.m.

Bad food day all around.
Couldn't get any eggs down for breakfast.
Ate a chocolate covered peanut cluster.
Spent 3 hours in agony.
didn't even try to eat anything else until after work.
Had a slice of cheese.
Yeah, sometimes I'm too smart for my own good.
Now I have a protein deficiency headache.
Take drugs and go to bed dumb-ass.
Do better tomorrow.


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Murf 59
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Potter
Oct 31 2010, 05:59 PM
MMMHMMM i like Mustard on my Biscuts, matter of fact had em right before they sent me to the nervous hospital for killin Doyal Hardgraves with a Lawn mower blade... give him two good whacks the second one bout split his head in two

ok its funnier if i do it in person.

lol Good job beating the hot dog... was this with bun or not (i know you have a bad battle against the bread types)
:lol :thumb My brother pulled that at a walk up hamburger stand in Ore years ago. It seems the guy behind the counter had never seen the movie. So the humor was wasted on him. I thought I would pee my pants I was laughin so hard. Keep going brother. Your lookin great
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metroschultz
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Please just call me; "Schultz"

223# this a.m.
Not surprising considering yesterday debacle.
Today stick with tried and true.
I need to bring my protein up.

First thing - cup of decaf, pack of imitation sugar, ( we found a new one called 'Truvia', great stuff. tastes like sugar. mixes like sugar. cooks like sugar. No one here can tell the difference, and, my daughter used it to make a sugar free apple pie for my birthday. Damn it was good. Took 3 days to eat 2 slices, but it was worth every minute of wait time.) real cream. I can have all the fat I want, thank you LORD.

Next - high protein breakfast drink. 12 ounces of milk, 20 grams of whey protein isolate, one scoop of sugar free Nesquick. Hmm good. (no sarcasm, I like the flavor of this) Total 32 grams of raw protein. (minimum 60g a day, shoot for 75g a day)

Then carry some prepackaged stuff to work. Today we take 'Atkins Advantage, Milk Chocolate Delight' 15 grams protein per drink box. (take 2) Also, 4 ounces of cheese cubes, 22 ounces of protein. I may not eat any of the cheese, but I have it just in case.

If I consume everything, I will take in 82 grams of protein for the day. Good stuff.
My headache has subsided a little, this will make it go away.
Felt like s#it yesterday, lets not do that again.

Monday I am sitting in the lunch room.
One of my coworkers, who usually eats when I do, makes the comment;
"It is just so 'weird' seeing you sit here and not eat anything."
"I feel as if I am stuffing my face."
She is 5 foot tall, weighs like 99# soaking wet, and brings in (that day anyway) a small container of chili and some of those scoop things. Total, maybe 8 ounces of food.
Every one else there eats like a lumber jack.
I look around and see;
A double 'Whopper' and fries w/ milkshake,
Pizza from 'Chanellos', (for one man)
Many lunch boxes the size of a small cooler, stuffed the the top,
One guy whose lunch comes from the vending machines, I swear he spends $10 to $15 a day in those machines,
And everyone, save my little friend, has some dessert. A lot of these guys live on their desserts.
We have one guy whose wife makes him a full lunch every day, but he goes out to lunch here. He gives away his homemade lunch, but eats the pie or whatever she has packed for him.
basically enough total food for a small army, could probably feed an entire third world village for a week. Maybe one day I box up all this food and send it to "Lower Elbonia"
But there is only about 6 or 8 people here now.
And me,
16 ounces of orange juice, 4 ounces of cheese.
Go figure.
TTFN
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metroschultz
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Please just call me; "Schultz"

Well,
I got back from fixing a guys Voyager.
He is not as happy as he could be, but he has no money so we went as far as possible given his fiscal limitations.
Car runs,
Starts when asked,
Drives if you ease into it.
Romp the pedal and it stalls.
This is way better than yesterday, when it stalled after it started and wouldn't move under it's own power.

But that's not why I'm here.

After the job, I decided to try some semi-solid food.
Our church had a sale of Brunswick Stew last Sunday.
Barb and I both like this, so we bought 2 quarts.
There is only 1 quart left, and as I was opening the fridge to get a protein drink, the stew caught my eye.
I put some in a bowl,
I nuked it,
I just finished eating.
Mmm Mmm Good,
Mmm Mmm Good,
That's what Brunswick Stew is,
Mmm Mmm Good.
Oh, I pulled the potato chunks out and gave them to the dog. She loves my new diet regimen. She's getting fat off my discarded carbs.
An additional 13 grams protein. Still gonna take the drinks for work. Less necessity now for them though. Make it better for hitting the gym tonight.

I feel today is already a better day than yesterday as far as the food thing goes.
Headache is completely gone now,
Stomach is happy,
Schultz is happy.
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Murf 59
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Your small friend. Is she cute? Does she like ex paratroopers???
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