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Schultz' New Adventure; Help! they cut me open
Topic Started: Aug 23 2010, 05:27 PM (14,886 Views)
metroschultz
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Please just call me; "Schultz"

O.K. you asked for it, you got it.

Don't you just hate it when a complete stranger starts up a stupid conversation with you, and begins it with a stupid question?

Today I was in the super market check-out line . When I put a 22 pound bag of Alpo on the conveyor belt, the lady behind me asked, "Do you have a dog?"

She was totally unaffected when I rolled me eyes into the back of my head and she asked me the same question a second time. Now what the hell did she think I had, an elephant?

Knowing she would not be satisfied without a reply, I told her, No ma'am. I'm going back on the Alpo diet. I was in the hospital and they wouldn't let me eat Alpo while I was in there but now that I just got out, I'm going back on the Alpo diet."

She looked at me with a really stupid look in her face and said "reeeeally? I've never heard of it. How does it work?"

Now I knew I had a live one. Every body in both check-out lanes on each side of us as well as everybody behind us was listening very intently now.

I explained to her that "each morning before I leave my house I fill my pockets with Alpo. Then throughout the day, whenever I get an urge to eat, I just pop a chunk of Alpo in my mouth and that curbs my appetite.

This didn't satisfy her curiosity so she asked, "Did it give you food poisoning?

I said "No." trying to end this conversation with short answers.

Then she asked, "Well did you get very sick?'

I said, "No." My answers weren't short enough. She said, "Then why were you in the hospital?"

So I told her, "Well, I stepped off the curb to smell an Irish Setter's ass and we both got hit by a car."



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bogs
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Duct tape heals all wounds

That is a good one :lol
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Bad Bent
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Facetious Educated Donkey

That is a good one! :lol

Thanks for posting that. I'll pass it on at the pet store....
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metroschultz
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Please just call me; "Schultz"

238# this am.
Still working on the solid food thing.
I ate half a fish sandwich from Rally's today.
Well, not the whole thing,
One good bite of the whole half, then the fish from the rest.
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Potter
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Col. Potter

Visited schultz this weekend... I know he lost some weight but damn!!!
Posted Image

Lol your lookin a lot better buddy, keep it up.
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metroschultz
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Please just call me; "Schultz"

Damn man,
Where the he!! are you.
Some wifi hotspot?
You've only been gone 45 minutes.
Not enough time to be home yet.
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Potter
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Col. Potter

I HAULED A$$!!!!!
Posted from my fone in the subways parking lot :D home again home again now.
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Murf 59
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I really like the Alpo diet. Must remember that. LOL Hey Heartz
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metroschultz
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Please just call me; "Schultz"

234# this am.
51# gone since the 11th of August.

BIG BOLD move today.

Branden wanted to go to Rally's for lunch.
I love Rally's.
I think they have the best tasting food of any of the fast (I originally wrote 'fats', ironic huh?) food joints.
Oh the smell of the burgers as they cook.
Oh Man!!
Got the chicken combo for the boy,

AND

A cheeseburger for me.
!---------AH!-------------!
The aroma as I opened the wrapper.
Hot beef,
warm toppings,
melty cheese,
COME TO POPPA
!!!Mmmm!!!
The savory flavor of the bun and meat and lettuce and cheese and mustard and ketchup as I grind away with my molars.
The feel and the warmth cascading down my throat,
the sweet pain in my teeny tiny tummy,
I loved the experience,
I am becoming able to eat more solid food.
I finished with just the cheesy meat covered in stuff. Left the bun behind.

Well that was the highlight of my day.
How was yours?
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Jittney
Anchorage 92 XFi

Metroschultz, that is great news! :thumb
You had your doubts about being able to eat certain foods.
Sounds like things are going very well.
Congratulations on being down over 50 pounds in 2 months!

OK...The highlight of my day was finally being able to get into the son's new woodshop out back.
The key has not worked in the deadbolt for 4 days.
It's an old heavy oak door off craigslist....old brass hardware still on it.
There was no other way in. All windows are tamper proof locked.
7 people have tried to get in there....myself included...for 4 days.
I fussed and fussed and fussed with it this afternoon, and it finally just gave up and opened.
Who-da-thunk? :dunno
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Car Nut
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MS. Glad you posted an update. I was just thinking bout you. No lie.
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Potter
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Col. Potter

Mmmm rallys is good we need one here in lex... that burger I had las week was awsome!! :rocker but I'm glad that you are getting to eat more of the solid stuff totaly understand the explosion abd expansion of bread products.... what bout biscuts.. they seem like their already swoll out to their max already... might b somethin. Hang in their buddy I know you can do it.... hopefully you can get back to walking soon, stoopid rain.
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Coche Blanco
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Troll Certified

I believe Rally's is Checker's here. It is delicious.
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dayle1960
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Fastest Hampster EVER

Rally's? All we have is burger king and wendy's and mcDonalds, and steakand shake. Good luck with your continued weight loss. I think of you whenever I see someone who is in the same shape you were. Wish every one had the same fortitude you do. Stick with it.

terry
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metroschultz
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Please just call me; "Schultz"

Plus,
They are the only fast food joint to still offer chili cheese fries.
Mmm, I love chili cheese fries.
Can't have the carbs though.
It isn't the expansion of the bread.
It is the fact that my body doesn't process carbs any more.
Complex carbohydrates and simple sugars are processed first in the stomach with the bile doing most of the breakdown.
I have no reserve of bile in my new stomach, so there is no breakdown of the carbs.
They travel through much of my intestines intact and as such create tremendous pain along the way.
They meet the stomach bile as it enters through a different pathway and then my intestines draw as much fluid as possible from the surrounding tissue to break them down. When the surrounding tissue gives up its fluid, I get severe cramps from localized dehydration. Much like an athlete who hasn't kept up with his electrolytes.
so,
no carbs for me.
Can you say;
"Atkins"?
Edited by metroschultz, Oct 10 2010, 09:22 PM.
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