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Postmortem Autopsy; What killed the Gary?
Topic Started: Sep 3 2010, 08:50 PM (1,466 Views)
Stately
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Geo cheerleader

Subject: Gary; D.O.B. 9/96; 1997 Metro LSi 2dr AT; 185,400 miles

Time of Death: Approximately 2006, but not called until 9/2/10 (zombie "walking dead" state in interim)

Condition: Flap in chamber 3 of heart shattered; P0753 & P0758 ED health condition (trouble "getting it up" automatically--needed manual assistance); otherwise very healthy and attractive 14 year old specimen

Symptoms: Apparent tapping under valve cover

Treatment: Lifter(8) and rocker(6) transplants--to no avail; Exploratory of bowels revealed significant shrapnel

Religion: Faith healing was attempted and rejected by Gary; A zen talisman hangs from Gary's mirror left by previous owner--conferring amazing voodoo type power zombieizing Gary for 4 years

History: Gary started life in indentured servitude (like many of his brethren) for Avis. He was freed from his bondage by a Nice Old Lady living on Whidbey Island, who enjoyed his company for several years. But alas, Nice Old Lady became sick and Gary was left all to his lonesome, covered by a tarp. Nice Old Lady had Nice Neighbors who helped out, as she had no relatives. When she died, she left Gary to Nice Neighbors to pay for her burial costs. Nice Neighbors are construction contractors needing trucks, so as much as they liked Gary, they needed to find a good and loving home for him. Stately and his son were happy to take on that role, as Stately had rented a Suzuki Forsa hatchback in 1988 for 9 days in Honolulu and loved it (but had purchased a brand new Cherokee the week before--still driving it 22 years later).

Cause of Death: Likely transmission maintenance lapsed, gumming up both shift solenoids. Nice Old Lady probably didn't know any better than continuing to drive Gary in "D" (stuck in 3rd), which horribly lugs the engine at slow speeds (AT's don't stall). The lugging puts higher pressure in the cylinders as gas is depressed, but without a requisite higher rpm to relieve that pressure sooner. Something had to give--in this case #3's intake side skirt.

Prognosis: Will attempt risky open-heart surgery to bring Gary back from the dead. Will use new organs to prevent Frankensteinian complications from arising using parts from the graveyard.

Disclaimer: Yes, I have been drinking.

Gratitude: Thank all of you so much for the assistance you have given me to this point! (And I will be needing more when it comes to the decapitation.)
Edited by Stately, Sep 3 2010, 11:37 PM.
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Eric J
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Formerly CEJ93

Very informative and entertaining; I wish you the best in your rebuild :)
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Stately
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cej93
Sep 3 2010, 09:08 PM
Very informative and entertaining; I wish you the best in your rebuild :)
Thanks, its appreciated!
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Stately
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Geo cheerleader

Started drinking this exactly when beginning to look into Gary's tapping:

Posted Image

The irony is, it wasn't dead lifters after all! :(
Edited by Stately, Sep 4 2010, 11:13 AM.
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Bad Bent
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Facetious Educated Donkey

Great write up!

Posted Image ...and I stay sober when things go to :shit :shake :lol
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Stately
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Bad Bent
Sep 3 2010, 10:33 PM
Great write up!

Posted Image ...and I stay sober when things go to :shit :shake :lol
Thanks!

(and maybe there should be clarification that drinking has been sporadic, not constant, since determining Gary's issues--and never, ever, while working on vehicle!)
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bogs
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Duct tape heals all wounds

That is probably the funniest write up I've come across in years. I don't drink, but I think if I came across my car having those symptoms I would take in more than a few snorts :lol
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PA.metro,fixer,frames,ect
Frame Fixer

nice..........
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Stately
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bogs
Sep 4 2010, 11:26 AM
That is probably the funniest write up I've come across in years. I don't drink, but I think if I came across my car having those symptoms I would take in more than a few snorts :lol
Thanks!

Gotta look at these things with humor and as learning experiences. Gary's gonna give me a Ph.D. !
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Stately
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PA.metro,fixer,frames,ect
Sep 4 2010, 12:07 PM
nice..........
Thanks.
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Stately
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Geo cheerleader

Gary's talisman:

Posted Image

Dare not remove this lest Gary explode on the spot!
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billy508
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billy508

:thumb :thumb Thank you very much for the post. I really enjoy it when I read something like that. I think it is a writing style that we need more of. Thanks again. I showed your post to my daughter ,who is a English major, and she agreed that it was very good. Please continue to post. :banana :banana :banana
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Stately
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Geo cheerleader

Don't know about the writing style, but will continue until Gary rises again (no matter how!).

Thanks!
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100MPG


damn, thats funny.. i didn't realize i had a famous writer in my presence when you were here... :lol ... alcohol induced.. thats funny too.. i suffer from too much blood in my alcohol system most days... that was funny... you need to treat that car right just for the nice old lady.

Dana
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Deleted User
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Beautiful! :wub:
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